Recently, I decided I wanted to expand my skills to help with my work and so signed myself up to the Samaritans to become a "Listener". I have just completed my introduction and even from this brief glimpse into the world of counselling, I have discovered a surprising fact about 80% of the people I know. They simply don't listen. OK, they pause long enough to let you talk, but they don't actually care about what you have said. They are purely waiting for their turn to talk... and I dont mean that everybody is self absorbed but more that they have forgotten that sometimes, the best response isnt talking about the time it happened to them. Sometimes when you talk, you need people to TRULY listen to you and hear what you are saying. It made me wonder if I was unknowingly committing this crime.
Active listening requires you to try and hear more than just the words someone is saying, but also the message and the emotions that lie behind them. Sometimes you just don't know how to respond when a friend or family member opens up to you and it is easy to kill the conversation by responding with "Don't worry" or "I know how you feel". Suddenly that person that was confiding in you clams up and the moment passes. However they obviously needed to talk to someone and they chose you for a reason. We all have that friend that we turn to for advice and a sympathetic shoulder, but I bet you do so because they actually listen to you.
So how can you become a better "Active" listener?
- Body Language is important to demonstrate you are interested in what somebody has to say. Make sure you position your body towards them, leaning slightly forwards with an open posture (no crossed arms).
- Maintain eye contact regularly with the speaker, giving them your undivided attention. This means putting down your book, turning off the television and putting your life on hold, even if it is for a brief moment. Most people will be flattered that you are taking even a small amount of time out for them and instantly feel like they are being valued.
- Acknowledge that you are listening by nodding, smiling and using simple words
- Always try to use open questions. For example, use "How are you today?" instead of "Are you ok?". This prevents them from simply replying with yes or no, allowing them to begin to open up.
- You can keep the conversation going by summarising important points, clarifying when things begin to get complicated and providing simple encouragement to keep them talking. Even when you are desperate to talk about what is bothering you, sometimes you can get stuck on the difficult points, especially if it is a sensitive subject.
- Try to keep your reactions neutral. Even if you disagree, sometimes people need to just get things off their chest. It may not even be their real opinion but they still need to voice it. Interrupting them will simply frustrate them and complicate issues. This includes the situations where people are complaining about yourself. Allow them to make their points fully and then defend yourself.
- Unless that person specifically asks for advice, it is safer to assume they just need to talk about it. Do not reply with your similar situations.
All of those points are so simple, so important and so easy to forget. If you develop the skills to listen properly you will make people feel interesting, valued, respected and loved. Greater communication will improve all of your relationships by providing intimacy, self-esteem and preventing misunderstandings.
Do you actually listen to people in a way that makes people feel heard?
